Never a princess

Just suddenly...Feel like revealing a part of me that you might not know...Which I hide it deep within me and cover it up so that it wouldn't show...

Oh well..I tend to be confused easily when the one I loved dearly is lost...I have this feeling like...Did I do something wrong therefore it leads them to feel lost in someway?

I'd always try my best to make people whom I loved dearly happy.My mom,my family,my best friends and sorts.I'd never want to have slight unhappiness while as a psychology student,I know there are many other factors that are inevitable.

When I was young...I'm no ordinary girl...I was raised by my dad and he was a democratic dad...He'll never hit me or raise his volume at me...He'll just talk to me and explain things to me,guide me so that I could discover things by myself.

Why no ordinary?Unlike the other girls,whom played barbie dolls and read cinderella stories,I read literature and played basket ball instead.Girl friends from my primary school,they had tons of barbie dolls and cinderella kind of fairy tale stories and teddy bears,I have none until I was 10.It was a small tiny teddy bear.My dad had asthma hence why he never want to buy any teddy bears or sorts.

I found a difference between me and Reychel...She is someone who read tons of cinderella stories when she was young,and her ambition is just to be a house wife and sorts..Very typical kind of girl thinking...But for me...My career always come first...My goal is to get my Ph.D in clinical psychology,counselling and sorts...I'm more towards a counselling person as I love to hear stories about people and I tend to think/ask why...I'd love to get a master in Forensic psychology too...I do have great interest in forensic psychology as I have various book about serial killers and I did quite a few assignment based on serial killers...It is so cool for me to discover about their unique motives in...Slaughtering.I know it sounds sick but sorry lah,it is really interesting,for me.
It often drive me nuts when the case study have not find out the answer/motives for the serial killer to kill...It leaves me keep thinking why why why and how how how and surfing around looking for materials that supports my answer or hypotheses or I'd go around and ask opinion from lecturers.I'm a nuisance to them,I guess. =D But it is fun I learn so many more things which I haven't learn in class yet...Cool!

Ok..Come back to the differences...She'd just look for a good man and get married and have a family while I'd like to set up my own clinic and get my Ph.D as soon and as young as possible..I'd like to be a young Ph.D holder like...In the age of mid 30s? *giggles*

I never think whether I'd have a family or I'll just leave alone till I dies...I thought of it various time when I was with me ex-es and yeah,the few relationships which I commited a lot into it and it didn't end up on what I've expected it to be and yeah,it hurts a lot.
From there I've learned one thing..The more hopes and expectations you plant inside,the greater disappointment you'll get.Guess it is innate for human beings to protect themselves for survival...Since then I've start to protect myself and somehow...It changed/affected my personality...When I was younger...Like back in secondary school...I wasn't like this...The girl that they knew..Was always being optimistic...Jumping and laughing around,joking and teasing people around...Always look forward for future and always put a lot of hope into things...

Now...The girl that you know...Is always someone who'd like to remain neutral in all of the things that bumps into her life...As in like...I will never put hopes into something,and I'd never imagine what it'd be...I'd always be very conscious and privately and publicly aware of my own feelings...I'd always ask myself to control my own feelings so that I will not put too much expectation into things,if things happen to turn out the way I never expected it to be,the I'd not have much disappointment as I never put too much hopes and expectations into it.

To some extend and up to individual's own perception,interpretation and subjectivity,people tend to take this as pessimistic.Psychologically define pessimistic is people who'd always think on the negative side and focus on just one angle to look at thing which it have always made things difficult.

But wait!!! I'm not there,yet!!!! Is just that I don't put hope into things doesn't mean I'm being pessimistic what!Even though I stay neutral and look at things in both sides,even though I don't put hope,but it doesn't mean I look at it pessimistically.I'd still give a try if there's possibilities and I'd never think I'd definitely fail if I were to give it a try.Just let time to tell the answer lar.Because,when you put hopes and expectations into it,you're indirectly altering things so that they'd get into your way.Look,you're hoping for something,and definitely you'd work for it,so it is altering its nature,or you speed up the process of it occuring/running,towards the end or to get into your way.

I know it sounds so confusing but at least this is what I think.I'd never think I'd fail in something.I'll always take the initiative to start things and to try things out,no matter how it will turn out to be.I will never regret with the decisions I made,or going to make.

In this sense,I think I'm realistic in a sense of,my career comes first,like most of the guys does.I love babies,but if I can't have my own babies,due to whatever reasons,I will adopt a few.It is not just about building up a family,but you're actually doing a good thing,as charity.Even though I have a family,I'd still adopt one or two child and raise them well.

A princess in a fairy tale,is...very the unrealistic to me.A princess have wealth,have the face,and have a very handsome prince charming and live happily ever after.I...I'd rather have the brain than the face,and be really realistic,divorce rate in Malaysia is growing up,due to the communication break down between people.As a major psychology student and minor communication student,I know how things might work out,but still there are many inevitable factors that interrupts.And...How many of the girls out there can really find a prince charming with 5Cs and they'd really stay loyal to them?

That is why,I'd never be a princess.