New new new new new

It's a brand new year ahead!I shall forget about all the pains I had in last year and move on to my new life =p (kononnya lah -_-)

Erm well yesterday night while waiting for someone to come home and accompany me,I managed to had a "productive" chat with Edric over msn while he bored his head out of his mind.That crazy fella go and read my entire friendster blog scratch from my first ever post to my recent post.He really got nothing better to do. ._. I think I posted erm 42 over entries in my friendster blog wei. ~.~

Edric...Is a guy who doesn't look like a 21 (same age as me and younger by 5 months =p) this year due to his super size and of course,the way he talks and the way he do things,he look and sound more like a experienced 30 years old successpool(fione's sotong language =p) business man.That's why I like him sooooo much hurhurhur.I like someone who are matured and able to tell me information that I do not know and erm yeah most importantly able to share my joy and sorrow and erm...guide me at times.

Well I was telling Edric,Icey made me realised something...She made me realised the changes in myself which I did not notice all this while...Each lesson and each pain I went through...Has undeniably made me a tougher and stronger fione today...Well all this while I thought is good to erm be tougher and stronger than yesterday and it shall have no consequences...But it has it own consequences on me as well...

Erm well I found out that each pain I went through,I tend to recluse myself from others..Psychologically.I recalled,the me back in secondary school wasn't like this...I am much talkactive than what I am now and I tend to trust people easily..Even people who are closed to me but not super super close also I'll tell them my secrets and of course,at times I tend to meet backstabbers.And that is how I got hurt from trusting people easily and yeah each time I'll just tell myself,take this as a lesson and be smarter next time if you don't wish to get the same pain or repeat the same mistake again.

Guess this is the consequences of being tougher and stronger.I trust people,now.And erm...not to the extend where...Very very very trust until I can tell everything.My closest friend,Camy,even her,I do keep portion of my things or my secrets from her.At times I am worried about her.Camy is just like fione back in secondary school.She trust people easily and she's my baby of course I wouldn't want to see her get hurt.

Icey was pouring out at me about someone...And erm she said he's that type of guy which will keep things only to himself ans same goes to another guy...Then she said..You also same lar...anything happen just keep to yourself only..The only way that can see what happen to you is via forum and your blog...Anyting you just blog out only...Never share with anyone...You talk to yourself only... = =

Yeah,she literally said that to me.And that was like erm...A knife stabbed into my heart.It wasn't painful,but it is sharp and clear.I changed.I become more protective of myself.I reclused from people whom are around me.All this while,I thought I've learned how to be happy go lucky.And now,I realised that what I am now isn't happy go lucky but something worse.I hardly trust anyone anymore.

The pain that my 2 ex-es gave me,was really brutal and painful.It totally ruined me screwed me burned me stabbed me upside down,to the extend where,someone like me,can lose all my confidence.Edric says,a broken relationship will not leave just pain,it will also leave scars.Yes I am afraid.I am a coward now.After my previous relationship,I am totally clueless on how to be a girl friend,what more,I always aim for the best,and I always wanted to give the best to my boy.

Because of I hardly trust anyone now,I am keeping distance from them.But there is someone whom I am trying to approach,someone whom I willing to open my closed gate and let him in,but there's always a invincible barrier.My closed gate could not open easily because I am traumatized hence I hardly trust anyone fully now.Each time I gave my full trust and yeah it eventually ends sadly.I could not afford anymore pain for now.I am literally protecting myself from getting hurt.I am hiding in my own world by adding on shields that could protect me from predators.(yes,don't grill the sotong please.)

Erm well,I hope that someone could erm...Walk through this with me as I might take up a lot of time in order to release my closed gate...Berdoalah mu =p