Change

I've been a people-pleaser for 22 years.Practically my entire life I've been a people-pleaser.I knew that myself and I wanted to change that since I was 16.But I've never been successful because I was too soft-hearted and I cared too much for people,for how they feel and how would they think of me for every single action I take or every single word that comes out from my mouth.I simply cared too much for people around me until last year,Lynn invaded my life.I can't say that she's my best friend but she's a very good & close friend, and definitely a huge influence at this stage in my life.Since she came into my life,I changed a lot and a lot of you couldn't take it.Some of you still misses the old fione where she cares about everyone and everything under the sun and the one who dedicates every bit of her energy to care about you, talk to you, and be there for you.

No,I am no longer that fione you used to know.I was so careful with everything I do to the extend where I can never please myself.There are so many things that I wanted to do or I wanted in my life but I've let them go because I care about how people will feel about me doing it or having it.When I was in a relationship,I cared too much about how he feels about some clothing to the extend where I didn't buy a lot of them because I was afraid he wouldn't like it.Everything I want to buy I'd have him see it first and ask for his opinion before I eventually buy it.

I've always been somebody else for you guys.I've never been able to be myself.Never.And I'm very tired and sick of it.For countless times where I keep questioning myself,why am I so weak?Why can't I stop caring?Why do I even feel bad and most times,feeling guilty when I do things slightly my way?Why just can't I be selfish for myself for just this once?I keep questioning myself if I was wrong for doing things my way.It's such a torment.

I'm tired.I am really tired being so self-conscious,mind about how other looks at me and how other thinks of me,and hate myself for being a person where I put others' welfare before my own.Lynn's right.At the end of the day,who will even think that "oh,fione's been treating me so good and I should treat her back that way too".Hardly any will treat me back the way I treat them.I've learned my lessons throughout the years but still I get hurt over and over again from the very same mistake.

Someday.Someday I will eventually find someone that takes me for who I am.I'm not saying that I will completely stop caring,but I just want to learn to be a little bit more selfish for myself.I just want to be able to make myself happy.I just need to stop thinking that it is alright to sacrifice my own welfare for others just to see them happy,or being able to see the smile on their face is worth everything.I just want to make myself happy.Am I asking for something that is impossible for me to have it?

I just want to be happy.That's all I want.I'm sorry if this change has brought pain to any of you out there.But I'm 24 and I never been really happy before.It's about time for me to please myself,make myself happy before I am out there,helping and making others happy.