Your call

The title has nothing to do with this entry.I guess throughout the years I get more and more protective of myself and yes,I hardly even pen down my own personal thoughts anymore because I doesn't want people to know.But I can't stay like this forever.I am sucking in so much to myself and I meet the bursting point more frequent than I usually do.When I burst,I breakdown,depress,cry,blame myself for my stupidity,for what I thought I could handle,for what I thought it was best,I blame myself for being so heroic and blame myself for overestimated myself and underestimated what something or someone meant for me,and what they have made me become,someone I am today.No one have to know it as long as they are happy.One person bearing all is better than spreading it to the others,because it will only bring sadness to others.

Even my not so close college friends commented that I am less chirpy and hyper these days.Am I not the same again?Could it because I'm just tired of being chirpy all the time to entertain and keep everyone happy,or that incident really affected me this much?I am not sure,and it will be painful for me to look for the answer.I don't want to,I am afraid for the answer.People say time heals and time will tell.Time is the key to everything.Does it really help?Time heals,time cures,time eases,or does it simply just helps us to forget?Perhaps I am too old now.The wound heals very slow these days.Does it explain why my legs have many scars now?

Crying,getting depressed is a sign of weakness to me.And I hate being weak.How I wish I can be strong at all time and at anytime I want.But nothing can make me strong now.I am just leaving it to die off, and I am tired of getting myself up,and then go through the same circle again.Yes...but ironically this is what life exactly is isn't it?Go through the same circle of obstacles and it will make us stronger,or so they say.Could I say that my view of life is this :- our lives is like a pencil.We starts with fresh and unsharpened, throughout our journey, we write many journals.Whenever one end of graphite finishes, that is the end of one chapter; we rest,gather our thoughts and courage, leave out the pain and, sharpen ourselves again and we move on to write another chapter.Throughout the process of writing journals, we might meet things or people that helps us to regenerate, or the other way around, things or people that make us need to sharpen ourselves more often than usual in writing one chapter.But you see,we are not regenerating as quickly as how we are sharpening ourselves.So, we are getting shorter and shorter each when chapter ends.And when we gets short,it mean we are near to the end.

And I think life is exactly working like this.When we gets old, we heals slower.When we gets shorter,we heal/regenerate slower as well.So at the end of the day,when we are near the end, the only thing we could do is to leave it to die off.Very pessimistic view of life,I know.People always say we can gather ourselves and stand on our feet again, just whether we want to or not.Nothing is impossible.And this is exactly how I used to view the world last time.Nothing is impossible,as long as you have the will to do it.But today,I finally get to feel the feeling of unable to do something,no matter how bad you want it.It is just out of your hands,and nothing you can do to help it,to make it yours,to make it come back, or to make it stay.

I'm just sick of pretending to be strong for everyone.I'm just sick of pretending all chirpy and happy just to make people around me happy.But I hate to see people gets so worried about and each time I just have to put on the mask again to make them not to worry about me.I have to pretend that I have already move on to make them feel alright.In my whole life I have been doing things for people,hardly any for myself.And this time,I really wanted a tattoo for myself,but I care about the consequences of how others would feel and I don't want to regret it because of others' negative comment about it.I'm just the world's biggest loser.I was supposed to get it done by this coming Wednesday, as my birthday is on Thursday.It's not coming true,and I don't know when it will come true.I guess, dream will always be a dream.

I'm listening to Secondhand Serenade - Your call.
I guess,this song really portrays what I feel now and how helpless I am.And it is very nice too.

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your...)

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
x4
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything)